Jun 14, 2013

I wish you are happy, somewhere

I always wonder where you are. What happened to you. I always go back and wish I had asked you what was wrong? With so many people on facebook, I have searched for you. But no classmate has you, no one has heard from you. How is it that on this day and age I've reunited with people I thought I would never heard from again. People that I only knew from my childhood, from a completely different country, people that I only met once or twice, whose last name I didn't even know, whose first names I didn't even remember, and here we are once again in this virtually world feeling like we are part of each others life, reading statutes and watching their kids grow. And yet no one knows of you. I should've asked you what was wrong? Why did you changed so much. You were the class clown, the guy that had a joke about everything. There was not a day, the teacher would not call your name to please let him continue with his class. Every time words came out of you it followed a crowd of laughter. I admired that, I wished I was like that. I admired those people who were loud, and funny and didn't care what anyone else thought. You walked proud and carefree, always talking to whoever was nearby making seas of laughter follow you. But more than anything, above anything, I loved the way you looked at me. You see, you and I were so different. I was quite and shy and always swallowed by my friends. But the way you looked at me it is as if your eyes made me resurfaced from the crowd, as if i was the only one there. You made me feel so beautiful, so alive. I fell in love with the idea of the image you build of me. I fell in love with how you stared at me. And after all, I never even asked "what happened?" What happened in your life that made you change so much, always in a little corner, hardly even looking up, hardly ever smiling....a completely different person in the shell of what was once you. People moved on, and hardly anyone remembered who you were. Such a dramatic change, I knew it was never me. I couldn't have been, for what we had was too innocent, we hardly shared a kiss. And if I ever hurt you for leaving you, I know nothing was as bad as what happened to you. And every time I think of you, i go back and pictured myself asking you "whats wrong?" What happened to you? Where are you now? Are you married? Do you have kids? Are you happy?........
I still think of you every time I hear the song "Cant take my eyes off of you" by Lauren Hill. I can see myself walking down the hallway in school listening to this song on my cd player. I can see you taking it from me to listen to what I was listening to. I can see you looking at me as I laugh with my friends. I can see you stealing my book while I run after you.... What ever happened to you? How did you become such a quite, mysterious person, sitting all alone always in a corner of the room, avoiding eyes and everyone else?
I am only comforted by the thought that all that is in the past. And you moved on. And maybe you are married after all, you live somewhere far hence why no one has heard of you, and you have kids. And I see the image of you laughing again, telling jokes, and this time is your kids laughter that I hear, and that light that I once saw when you looked at me, is there once again, as you watch your kids laugh. And you are happy once again...............

Feb 17, 2013

back in High School

I keep having dreams I am still in high school. They have never stopped. Every once in a while I will dream I am back in school. Most times I look like I look now, and in fact it is as If I am the age I am today but it is as if I am taking some sort of classes and back in school, or maybe some classes for work, yet all my friends and classmates are there. And it is such a good feeling. High school for me will always be one of the best times of my life. It is as if when my mind can't deal with the stress, worries, bills, tasks, and problems of everyday life it takes advantage of my dreams and takes me back to simpler times. The dreams may sometimes be stressful, maybe I am taking a test, and I realize I did not even study for this, but then I sit down and see a familiar face, some classmate of mine and then I realize how lucky I am to be taking classes with all my old classmates and friends, and its just such a familiar feeling, like being HOME again.
Its so hard to explain sometimes, so many teenagers say high school is one of the worst times in their lives and my experience was so far from that. I went to a very small high school, and I mean small- my graduating class had less than 40 students. Because it was such a small school, we were all close, everyone knew every one's name. There was never anyone being stuffed into lockers (does that even happen in real life?), no ones glasses were ever broken, and no one was ever given a wedgie.  My memories are staying after school just to chat and goof around with friends, stuffing all our coats, books, umbrellas, in one tiny locker (there was about 8 of us) I never understood why we never though of using our own lockers? Going during lunch hour to Central Park to play on the swings, having class trips to the Museum of Natural History, the statue of liberty, Ellis Island and about every other museum and tourist spot you can think of. I remember passing notes to each other (cellphones weren't in back then), stuffing roses and love notes in notebooks from that short guy who just wouldn't leave you alone, walking and singing and playing in the rain all of us under one single umbrella, I remember just hanging in the hallways and stairways with about other twenty people and just laughing and laughing till your tears came out and your cheeks hurt.  Then there is the school trip at the end of the year. There wasn't enough money for some unknown reason (maybe the teachers went out partying ;) and we couldn't go to the Poconos for the weekend like every other senior class before us did. We were all pretty upset about that. But we were taken to Bear Mountain to spend the day. We played volleyball, we ate, we rode boats, and we ran and then it started pouring rain. And Harry said fuck it and started running in the pouring rain, and everyone joined and we laughed and played spin the bottle under the rain, and we splashed and jumped and by the end of the day our clothes and hair were soaking wet and it just didn't matter. 
Yeah now I know why I keep dreaming back in school, how could I not? High School was amazing. Every single person from my high school brings me good memories. And so my mind, every time I am stressed, keeps popping them up in random places, to help me deal with whatever I am dealing with, just a familiar face here and there to give me that homey feeling again....

Feb 1, 2013

Pictures from my mother's two bedrooms via Instagram

I am so nostalgic every time I come over to my mother's place that I couldn't help and snap a picture of her two lovely little bedrooms with my iPhone (hence the bad quality pictures). My mother's bedroom decor has change quite a bit from when I use to live there, but some of the pieces are rather old and remind me of my times here. My old bedroom, on the contrary, is exactly the same as when I left, right down to the picture frames and even the bedspread so it makes my stay quite wistful and cozy every time I stay over.  It also reminds me that I need to warm up my own home- which has been left quite empty and cold due to the fact that my husband and I are waiting to move to another place. I can't wait to move and warm up my little apartment instead of just having the necessities like I do now.