I wish you are happy, somewhere

I always wonder where you are. What happened to you. I always go back and wish I had asked you what was wrong? With so many people on facebook, I have searched for you. But no classmate has you, no one has heard from you. How is it that on this day and age I've reunited with people I thought I would never heard from again. People that I only knew from my childhood, from a completely different country, people that I only met once or twice, whose last name I didn't even know, whose first names I didn't even remember, and here we are once again in this virtually world feeling like we are part of each others life, reading statutes and watching their kids grow. And yet no one knows of you. I should've asked you what was wrong? Why did you changed so much. You were the class clown, the guy that had a joke about everything. There was not a day, the teacher would not call your name to please let him continue with his class. Every time words came out of you it followed a crowd of laughter. I admired that, I wished I was like that. I admired those people who were loud, and funny and didn't care what anyone else thought. You walked proud and carefree, always talking to whoever was nearby making seas of laughter follow you. But more than anything, above anything, I loved the way you looked at me. You see, you and I were so different. I was quite and shy and always swallowed by my friends. But the way you looked at me it is as if your eyes made me resurfaced from the crowd, as if i was the only one there. You made me feel so beautiful, so alive. I fell in love with the idea of the image you build of me. I fell in love with how you stared at me. And after all, I never even asked "what happened?" What happened in your life that made you change so much, always in a little corner, hardly even looking up, hardly ever smiling....a completely different person in the shell of what was once you. People moved on, and hardly anyone remembered who you were. Such a dramatic change, I knew it was never me. I couldn't have been, for what we had was too innocent, we hardly shared a kiss. And if I ever hurt you for leaving you, I know nothing was as bad as what happened to you. And every time I think of you, i go back and pictured myself asking you "whats wrong?" What happened to you? Where are you now? Are you married? Do you have kids? Are you happy?........
I still think of you every time I hear the song "Cant take my eyes off of you" by Lauren Hill. I can see myself walking down the hallway in school listening to this song on my cd player. I can see you taking it from me to listen to what I was listening to. I can see you looking at me as I laugh with my friends. I can see you stealing my book while I run after you.... What ever happened to you? How did you become such a quite, mysterious person, sitting all alone always in a corner of the room, avoiding eyes and everyone else?
I am only comforted by the thought that all that is in the past. And you moved on. And maybe you are married after all, you live somewhere far hence why no one has heard of you, and you have kids. And I see the image of you laughing again, telling jokes, and this time is your kids laughter that I hear, and that light that I once saw when you looked at me, is there once again, as you watch your kids laugh. And you are happy once again...............

back in High School

I keep having dreams I am still in high school. They have never stopped. Every once in a while I will dream I am back in school. Most times I look like I look now, and in fact it is as If I am the age I am today but it is as if I am taking some sort of classes and back in school, or maybe some classes for work, yet all my friends and classmates are there. And it is such a good feeling. High school for me will always be one of the best times of my life. It is as if when my mind can't deal with the stress, worries, bills, tasks, and problems of everyday life it takes advantage of my dreams and takes me back to simpler times. The dreams may sometimes be stressful, maybe I am taking a test, and I realize I did not even study for this, but then I sit down and see a familiar face, some classmate of mine and then I realize how lucky I am to be taking classes with all my old classmates and friends, and its just such a familiar feeling, like being HOME again.

Its so hard to explain sometimes, so many teenagers say high school is one of the worst times in their lives and my experience was so far from that. I went to a very small high school, and I mean small- my graduating class had less than 40 students. Because it was such a small school, we were all close, everyone knew every one's name. There was never anyone being stuffed into lockers (does that even happen in real life?), no ones glasses were ever broken, and no one was ever given a wedgie.  My memories are staying after school just to chat and goof around with friends, stuffing all our coats, books, umbrellas, in one tiny locker (there was about 8 of us) I never understood why we never though of using our own lockers? Going during lunch hour to Central Park to play on the swings, having class trips to the Museum of Natural History, the statue of liberty, Ellis Island and about every other museum and tourist spot you can think of. I remember passing notes to each other (cellphones weren't in back then), stuffing roses and love notes in notebooks from that short guy who just wouldn't leave you alone, walking and singing and playing in the rain all of us under one single umbrella, I remember just hanging in the hallways and stairways with about other twenty people and just laughing and laughing till your tears came out and your cheeks hurt.  Then there is the school trip at the end of the year. There wasn't enough money for some unknown reason (maybe the teachers went out partying ;) and we couldn't go to the Poconos for the weekend like every other senior class before us did. We were all pretty upset about that. But we were taken to Bear Mountain to spend the day. We played volleyball, we ate, we rode boats, and we ran and then it started pouring rain. And Harry said fuck it and started running in the pouring rain, and everyone joined and we laughed and played spin the bottle under the rain, and we splashed and jumped and by the end of the day our clothes and hair were soaking wet and it just didn't matter. 

Yeah now I know why I keep dreaming back in school, how could I not? High School was amazing. Every single person from my high school brings me good memories. And so my mind, every time I am stressed, keeps popping them up in random places, to help me deal with whatever I am dealing with, just a familiar face here and there to give me that homey feeling again....

Pictures from my mother's two bedrooms via Instagram

I am so nostalgic every time I come over to my mother's place that I couldn't help and snap a picture of her two lovely little bedrooms with my iPhone (hence the bad quality pictures). My mother's bedroom decor has change quite a bit from when I use to live there, but some of the pieces are rather old and remind me of my times here. My old bedroom, on the contrary, is exactly the same as when I left, right down to the picture frames and even the bedspread so it makes my stay quite wistful and cozy every time I stay over.  It also reminds me that I need to warm up my own home- which has been left quite empty and cold due to the fact that my husband and I are waiting to move to another place. I can't wait to move and warm up my little apartment instead of just having the necessities like I do now.

Look to see things in new ways,

even if nothing has changed.

Let it Go

Sometimes its time to let go....

Sometimes we want to hold on to the people we love so much that we don't realize its time to let go. I am not only talking the boyfriends or girlfriends or exlovers or whatever the case may be, but also about friends and family. 

Sometimes you grow so far apart that to let each other grow you must let go.

It doesn't mean that you stop caring, or that you don't love them anymore, but that the relationship is draining, and you realize that at the end there were more arguments than laughs, and being with them only hurts you.

Today I had a dream of you. You called and you were crying. I couldn't hear you. You sounded so far. I asked again what happened and your voice sounded like sobs and weeps. You sounded so desperately in pain. I couln't understand what you were trying to say, it cut off and on and it was just too far. The call dropped and I, as desperately as you sounded, desperately tried to call you back and explained my phone is old and drops the calls, and that I would never hang up on you crying, because I knew you would take that the wrong way. I checked where you called me from but the numbers danced around in my cellphone, I couldn't grabbed them, they haunted me along with your pain. I needed to call you back, I needed to know why you were in so much pain and I needed to help you somehow. I was stressed, drained, anxious to catch the numbers that mockinly danced on the screen of my cell. And then I realized, they were gone, for I had deleted your number a while ago, and my screen remained empty. I panicked, I eagerly checked and checked somehow to find where to reach you, but I couldn't and in the panic of my search- I woke up. 

And I realized what my dream meant and as harsh as it may seem I was relieve- relieve that you weren't draining me anymore...relieve that 

I let go...

Spa at Home

Want healthy smooth clear skin with smaller pores? Keep reading to find out how.

For reference I have combination skin, which tends to be drier in the winter season and a little more oily on hotter weather. I am very acne-prone (I use a prescribed cream for this issue) but with my daily routine my skin is completely clear, smooth, healthy and supple.

Here is one of my holy grail products for beautiful, clear, soft skin:

1. Aztec Healing Mask

This mask is amazing. There are hardly words to describe the miracles this little gem has done on my skin. Clays have been used for centuries in beauty products because they include advantageous minerals that help get rid of toxins such as blackheads and zits and heal and nourish the skin. This mask itself comes in a powder-form that you mix with apple cider vinegar or water. When you use apple cider vinegar you get a much smoother consistency which is super easy to work it, and it also leaves the skin amazingly smooth. However, I prefer water for its convenience and the results are still remarkable. Even though my skin is fairly clear, I still get a zit here or there specially in the summer when my skin tends to be more oily than combination. I use this mask mostly in the summer on my entire face and in the winter mostly around my nose only to tighten the pores. Every time I use it, I literally see the difference, if I have a zit it seems to reduce the size and appearance, and by the next day it is dried up and gone. When on, the mask gets so tight you literally cannot move your face at all, and don't even think about smiling or talking. It gets so tight you feel your pores shrinking- this mask is no joke! So readers beware- it may hurt a tiny bit- it literally feels like cement on your face, and you actually feel your face pulsing! Once washed off, don't worry about the redness, it will be gone in 20 minutes or so. So make sure you stay indoors for the next thirty minutes. I usually do this in the nighttime before going to bed and I feel my face just thanks me in the morning, my face is left amazingly smooth and tight and I can immediately see a difference in the size of pores and in any zits if present.  It is my number one Skincare staple.

First (for my little spa treatment) I like to fill a kitchen pot with hot water and let it boil. After it is boiling I place my face next to it for a few seconds- this opens up the pores. I then clean my face with my favorite scrub to get rid of any dirt and have a clean, clear canvas to work with before applying my Aztec healing mask. I then proceed to put on the mask which I leave for 30 minutes or so or until completely dry. I then wash my face with a wet towel and make sure I get rid of every little bit of trace of the mask. And then I'm ready to hop into bed and wake up to beautiful, clearer, softer skin :)

(More info on the following products soon)

2. Tazorac

Every other day

3. Ole Henriksen African Red Tea Foaming Cleanser

Every morning and night

4. Biore Pore Unclogging Facial Scrub

Twice a week

5. Dickinson's Original Witch Hazel Pore Perfecting Toner

About 3x a week after morning cleanser

6. Ceraphil Moisturizing Lotion

Every day in the winter, every other day in the summer

7. Biore Skin Preservation Dual Fusion Moisturizer with SPF 30

Every day I'm stepping out of the house.

7. Lots of water

And fruits and vegetables are always a plus too ;)

Dreamy Bokeh Effect

Here is my broad tutorial on the Dreamy Boken Effect

1.Select Picture of your choice. 

I will be working with a random picture below:

(Not necessarily a pretty picture but just to see the effects)

2. Get a Bokeh picture of your choice. You can go on google for this and just type Bokeh Picture.

I chose the same Boken picture as a A Piece of Lisa.

3.Open new layer and drag Bokeh picture on top of picture of your choice.

4. Change your Bokeh layer from "normal" to "screen." 

5. Change opacity to desire level. I chose 75% or so.

6. Play around with layer size and position until desired results.

Here are my results:

I followed A Piece of Lisa's tutorial. Check it out for more information and precise steps :)

You can also add bokeh hearts for a romantic dreamy effect. Here is one I tried:

Tip: I also have found that these effects looks best on soft pictures unlike bright color pictures. Try to pick a neutral picture with soft backgrounds for a more dreamy effect ;)